Sharks

March 1, 2024

Lately, I have been low-key terrified that someone I love will be eaten by a shark. I picture myself standing on the beach, waving out at my people in the water, and suddenly one of them is pulled under. (I’ll spare you the rest of the horrible visuals in my head and give you a moment to picture it for yourself…think Jaws or any Shark Week footage you’ve ever watched.) 

Anyway, it’s not just a momentary blip of worry. This shark attack concern of mine has been swimming in the deep recesses of my mind (see what I did there?) for months now. I’d be embarrassed to show my computer’s recent search history, as it would be a strange combination of “how to make food”, “how to use my computer”, and “shark attacks near me.” This morning I was researching video footage of shark attack news reports. I began wondering how I should go about telling my people to cancel all future potential beach and aquarium (I realize it’s unlikely to be attacked by a shark in an aquarium, but you can’t be too safe) trips… How can I do this without admitting how much I’ve been obsessed about them being eaten by a shark who has mistaken them for seals? I feel nuts when I hear myself admit this, the fear and the urge to keep my people away from possible shark encounters is quite real. 

Here’s the thing about my shark fear…it didn’t exist this time last year. And there is nothing shark related I’ve experienced in the subsequent months that would lead me into thinking my people would be eaten. So why now? I think I know.

The Cambridge English dictionary defines fear as ‘’strong emotions caused by a great worry about something dangerous, painful, or unknown that is happening or might happen.” While I'm grateful for faith that is stronger than my fear on a daily basis, I also realize that it is impossible to avoid fear altogether. Sharks, however, are actually pretty elusive and easy to avoid. And THAT is precisely why I can aim my fear in their direction.  My people and me? We are most likely not going to be eaten by sharks (especially me, as I hate sand, being wet, and bathing suits). But being afraid of shark attacks covers up the other fears, the REAL ones. 

We all have one of those big moments that changes everything we feel. The moment that turns being fine into the moment you find out you have breast cancer. The moment you feel joyous in your pregnancy that turns into the moment you are told there’s a concern about your baby. Really, any moment of something happy (or even just not sucky) that gets snatched away from us and replaced with something not so happy (or perhaps even terrible) shakes us to our very core. And this time last year? It’s when I found out I had breast cancer.

I am fine; I am healed. I’m not living in cancer-fear anymore, at least not every moment. My faith about this is indeed stronger than my fear.  But my mind no longer lives in an innocent state of “everything will be fine” because sometimes it’s just not. This experience has left a little crack in part of my brain that used to operate in a more fear-free state before cancer (or “BC”, if you will). I don’t want to be a person who is constantly worried that my husband is going to have a heart attack because he keeps eating Taco Bell and WaWa breakfast sandwiches. I don’t want to miss the joy of watching our grandson grow because I’m afraid he’s going to fall while trying to scale the kitchen counter with a plastic banana in his hand. I don’t want to miss witnessing my daughter’s second pregnancy with sheer joy because I fear a thousand different things going wrong, and I don’t want to think of planes falling out of the sky with my son-in-law in them as he travels. So instead, I seem to have landed on sharks. Sharks eating my people. This fear of something beyond horrible yet less likely to happen than the other stuff that actually COULD happen feels, well, better. Why fear cancer and heart attacks and the other stuff when there are SHARKS to focus on?!? In my mind, the shark thing is better. I can focus my fear in the direction of seeing my people eaten by sharks…because it won’t happen. I hope. 

*PS Dear God, I pray that my people, including those reading this, don’t get eaten by sharks. Thanks, and amen.

**PPS  What weird thing do YOU fear so you can hide the smaller scaries?